


this great trial, this self-denial

by crownedcarl



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Angry Sex, Belligerent Sexual Tension, Cheating, F/M, Gen, Hand Jobs, Hate Sex, Humiliation, Light Dom/sub, Painplay, Sexual Content, Shameless Smut, Touch-Starved, welcome to the character study masquerading as a pwp!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:14:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23186086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownedcarl/pseuds/crownedcarl
Summary: "You," Mara tells him, "Are the rabbit.""And you?"She hums. "Who, me? Well," she chuckles, casting Nathan a meaningful look, "I'm the snare."
Relationships: Audrey Parker/Nathan Wuornos (Referenced), Mara/Nathan Wuornos
Comments: 16
Kudos: 13





	this great trial, this self-denial

**Author's Note:**

> Since we appear to be living in the darkest timeline and people are being urged to stay at home, I figured I'd whip up a quick and dirty fic to keep people entertained. This is my first time writing Mara and more importantly, my first time writing this pairing and I would appreciate any feedback on whether I got the character and the pairing right.
> 
> For context, this takes place during the cabin getaway. Title's from Blaqk Audio's song Again, Again, and Again. If you take the time to read this story, please take the additional time to leave me a comment. ❤
> 
> Check out my [other Haven fics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownedcarl/pseuds/crownedcarl/works?fandom_id=9218791)!
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](https://dickardgansey.tumblr.com)!

"You," Mara tells him, "Are the rabbit."

"And you?"

She hums. "Who, me? Well," she chuckles, casting Nathan a meaningful look, "I'm the snare."

Stepping in closer, Mara wraps her arm around his waist, a long-fingered hand taking Nathan by the hip as her nails bite into Nathan's skin with the intent to leave a bruise. "You keep on telling me no," Mara chuckles, her voice low and amused, "But you never mean it, do you? Doesn't matter if I'm perfect little Audrey Parker or something else entirely. Something much, much more evolved."

Her nails scratch across exposed skin, deliberate and mean. "You can feel me and that's enough. Pretty pathetic, but I can't say I don't like seeing you brought low. It appeals to the bad, bad girl in me."

"I hate you," Nathan says as he closes his eyes. It isn't giving in. He hasn't let her do anything, yet. "I would never."

"But you would," Mara croons, resting her chin on Nathan's shoulder and it's suddenly, painfully reminiscent of the way Audrey would do that, standing on her tip-toes behind Nathan in their kitchen, hugging him around the waist. It makes Nathan stagger under the heavy guilt that settles itself on his shoulders, making a poor man's Atlas out of him. "You will," Mara breathes, then "Come on, Nathan. You _are."_

Her hands are not Audrey's hands. Nathan grips her wrist hard enough to bruise while Mara laughs and watches in anticipation as Nathan leads her hand down his stomach, past the shiny button of his jeans, guiding her palm to his crotch. He waits with bated breath for whatever comes next, staring down at the floor as Mara hums in exaggerated consideration, working her chin higher up on Nathan's shoulder, her breath warm against his ear. It's all a power play to her and Nathan knows it and still, he jolts when her teeth nip at the shell of his ear, deceptively gentle for a moment before the teeth really sink in.

Nathan doesn't moan, but he makes a noise. It pleases Mara, Nathan seeing her crooked smile take shape out of the corner of his eye.

"You like a little pain," Mara observes, a delicate lilt to her words, suggesting she's not as sure of that as she'd like to be. "Because you think you deserve it."

Got it in one, Nathan thinks, hissing under the mouth that kisses his jaw. It isn't a kindness. Mara has Audrey's memories; she knows which weakness to play on. It's an advantage Nathan hates her having. "Don't you worry your pretty little head," Mara breathes, an ugly fracture in her voice, a distant almost-regret, "I'll take proper care of you."

Her chain rattles. The reminder of her situation gives her pause. All it does for Nathan is make him laugh, his fingers squeezing Mara's wrist tighter. "You're a bitch," he tells her, watching her watching him, their eyelashes brushing, "You can't get inside my head."

"I'm already there," Mara challenges, but despite the self-assured words, Nathan sees the flash of anger that blazes in Mara's eyes. Provoking that reaction from her feels less like a victory and more like stooping down to her level of childish insults and the innate desire to hurt that she possesses, where she's fascinated by poking at an open wound. She scoffs, pulling Nathan's head back by the hair, muttering "You want me to a be a bitch, Nathan? I'll show you a bitch."

The last thing he's expecting is for Mara to squeeze him through his jeans, digging the pad of her thumb into the base of his cock, nails scraping against denim. Nathan gasps and it fills the room. He gasps and Mara laughs in his ear, leaning her weight against Nathan's back, pressing up against him from hip to shoulder. Her warmth is inescapable. "Oh, no, not yet," Mara murmurs, tugging Nathan backwards by the hip and hauling him upright, leaving him bucking against nothing for more of her touch. "Don't go collapsing on me yet, boy scout. We're nowhere near done."

She doesn't let Nathan's knees buckle like they were on the verge of doing and privately, Nathan realizes he didn't know how close he was to falling. Audrey's memory is ever-present, a taunt and a reminder, but Mara's eyes are cold and her smiles are all teeth and Audrey is not here. Audrey is not here, Nathan tells himself, shoving back against Mara and turning to face her, relishing the irritation that warps her features. "Is that so?" Nathan asks, baring his teeth in what isn't quite a smile, but could be. "What if I'm not done with _you,_ yet?"

Mara kisses him in a clash of teeth and laughs when Nathan's lower lip bleeds. "We both know," she whispers, "That you're giving it up to me, right now."

She punctuates the word with a delicate squeeze to Nathan's cock, fingers having pushed past the waistband of his jeans while Mara kissed him. Nathan inhales sharply, fitting his hand to the curve of Mara's breast before unbuttoning one more button on her already open shirt, tugging the familiar bra aside, thumb flicking her nipple. It makes Mara hiss in delight - in her world, maybe pain is pleasure and wrong is right. Nathan doubts he'll ever understand it. "Oh, baby," Mara chuckles, working Nathan's jeans open, dragging his zipper down with no real sense of urgency to it. "You want to rough me up, huh?"

Nathan has never roughed Audrey up. Not that the two of them never had that kind of _fun,_ but it was never Audrey reduced to whimpers. It was never Audrey who needed to be taken to that place of hurting and being happy about it.

"Shut up," he tells Mara, chasing her mouth as she pulls him out of his briefs, humming in consideration, her touch almost mockingly tender when her thumb caresses the head of his cock. She's familiar with his body. If nothing else, Mara has the knowledge to pull Nathan apart into infinite separate pieces. Right now, she chooses to refrain, instead humming against Nathan's mouth and reminding him of who she is when her teeth scrape against his bottom lip. Nathan is hard, but he's not desperate, yet. As long as he doesn't think of Audrey, he won't cross the very last line he's set in his head.

He doesn't know if thinking about Audrey makes this better or worse, anyway.

Mara doesn't push for the time being, offering Nathan a rare moment of blissful silence. Mara walks backwards, her chain noisy as it drags against the floor, wearing a bright smile that Nathan knows, by now, screams _I know something you don't_ and when he stares at her mouth, Mara rolls her eyes. "Eager," she comments, "You're not getting that, cowboy. Aren't I your prisoner?" she questions, putting a hand to her heart in mock-horror, "Some people would consider this taking advantage of the vulnerable, you know."

"I'm not taking advantage," Nathan sighs, "You're not vulnerable."

"I could be," Mara purrs, the backs of her knees hitting the edge of the bed. She takes a seat with measured grace, tugging Nathan closer by the belt loops. "We could role-play, you and I. The stoic heroic officer and the damsel in distress. Oh, wait," she says, as if a lightbulb has gone off above her head, "That's you and Audrey. Nevermind."

It's not, Nathan almost protests, but he keeps his mouth shut for the moment. Arguing with Mara is letting her win. Somehow, it gets her what she wants, getting Nathan to lose control.

All of a sudden, Nathan's world tilts as Mara drags him closer, yanking at his belt. During the freefall, Nathan hits his left knee against the wooden bedframe, finally tumbling to a stop as he ends up seated practically in Mara's lap. She stabilizes them both with a hand planted behind her on the mattress, palm-down with her fingers spread wide, smirking up at Nathan like the cat that got the canary. Nathan gives her an unimpressed stare, shuffling higher in her lap, winding one hand into her hair. "Didn't know you were a cuddler," he murmurs, looking down between their bodies, at Mara's chest expanding with deep, satisfied breath as she tilts her head back a fraction. It's an obvious invitation.

Nathan dips down, tasting the hollow of her throat. His mouth trails lower, tongue laving at her nipple, feeling it harden beneath his teeth when he closes them around the peak of it, soothing the sensitive pink bud with his tongue once Mara grits her teeth in complaint. "You need me to be gentle?" Nathan asks, already knowing her answer. Mara wants him volatile or Mara doesn't want him at all.

The silence after Mara's stubborn non-answer is oddly heavy. Mara is breathing thinly as she tries not to tremble beneath Nathan's mouth. Her hand finally finds a proper rhythm around Nathan's cock, a slow drag that peaks in a tight squeeze around the base, thumb circling the slick head on the upstroke. Nathan can feel her laughter before he hears it, mouthing at the skin between Mara's breasts, feeling her vibrating with slow chuckles that eventually reach a crescendo of high-pitched laughter. Nathan murmurs "What's so funny?" as his lips travel from one end of Mara's collarbone to the other, "What's the joke?"

"You are," Mara snorts, "You're not so perfect after all."

Was he ever? Wasn't this the point, from the beginning, for Mara? Seeing how low he could sink under her spell?

She knew from the moment she came back. Nathan felt seen, in that cave. He felt small.

Resolving not to answer and to outdo Mara at her own game, Nathan lifts his head quickly. The top of it slams into Mara's chin. She chokes out a snarl of "Bastard," when her teeth clip her tongue, muttering "Ow," before asking, sweetly, "Was that headbutt deliberate?" as blood wells up on her lower lip.

Nathan doesn't answer. He moves his hips, cock pushing into the circle of Mara's fingers. "You're supposed to be the genius," Nathan mutters, meeting Mara's eyes, taking his time when he unbuttons her shirt all the way down to her hips, exposing her taut stomach and slender waist, the lean curve of her ribs. He's familiar with the body Mara is in, kissing the hinge of her jaw, pushing the swell of her breast past the highest point of the bra cup, thumb firm against her nipple. "Don't ask stupid questions. It doesn't suit you."

How many times has he undone this bra, Nathan wonders, for Audrey? The straps on Mara's shoulders are so familiar, they almost transport him back in time, to watching Audrey get dressed in the morning while Nathan did everything in his power to stall her, leaving kisses on her neck.

"Earth to Nathan," Mara drawls, shrugging lightly to allow the straps to fall past her shoulders, down her arms. Nathan unhooks her bra slowly, shuddering into Mara's fingers around him. "Illicit affair happening here, remember? Stay present or get off."

Nathan's mouth works into the shadow of a smile. He refocuses, bringing himself back to the moment - back to all the things that set Mara apart from Audrey, because the body is identical, but the preferences aren't. The person inside the beautiful head beneath him is not Audrey and Nathan hums against Mara's throat, careful not to leave a bruise. Mara falls into a strange, eerie silence, eerie only because it's _Mara,_ who never stops pushing, who's always looking for another angle or weakness to exploit.

It hardly matters, in the end. She's still pushing in other ways, stroking Nathan slow and tight before abruptly letting go, leaving Nathan's hips to stutter into and chase empty air. "Lick, boy," Mara murmurs, tapping her fingers against Nathan's bottom lip. "We can try heel, afterwards," Mara grins and Nathan's first instinct is to bite at the fingers that poke at the seam of his mouth. After a moment, Nathan opens up for the invasion, feeling Mara's fingers tap against his tongue, curling it around each and every knuckle, careful to be thorough. "Did you know you have no gag reflex?" Mara comments, smiling brightly when Nathan squints at her in suspicion, "No, really, I'm about to poke your esophagus-"

For some ungodly reason, it makes Nathan laugh.

Laughing around what's practically an entire fist in his mouth turns out to be enough to make Mara withdraw, giving Nathan a look that he can't quite interpret. Maybe she thinks he's lost his mind, but she doesn't say so, jacking Nathan off with her newly slick grip, her palm fluttering against his cock when she flexes her fingers. Nathan doesn't close his eyes - wouldn't, not with anyone but Audrey - but he blinks for a moment too long, Mara's face coming back into focus as she smiles curiously, too innocently. It doesn't suit her. "What's a girl got to do," she sighs, working Nathan in tight strokes, "To get some reciprocation around here?"

It should make Nathan's skin crawl - the suggestion of what Mara wants. It would be hypocritical, but it would be better than the thrill of her mouth, the callused grip of her fingers. Anything would be better than wanting it.

"Sweetheart," Nathan pants, "You can't always get what you want."

Mara laughs right into his mouth. She flicks her wrist, twisting her thumb around the head of Nathan's cock on the upstroke and Nathan can feel Mara grinning into the kiss, how she rolls his bottom lip between her teeth before letting go of it with a slick _pop_. "You did learn something from me after all," Mara chuckles, working Nathan in fast, tight strokes of her fist, squeezing her fingers around his cock until Nathan feels a pleasant buzz in his head that he's come to associate with being on the very, very brink of coming. "World's not fair, is it, Nathan?"

She looks so painfully like Audrey in that moment, offering him an indulgent smile. Nathan comes on a sharp gasp, spilling across Mara's fist, leaving her shirt ruined and striping her stomach with come. He ends up watching in a daze as Mara slips the very tip of a finger into her mouth, humming considerately before announcing "You need to eat more pineapple."

It's absurd. It isn't funny at all but all Nathan can do in response is laugh a tired laugh, shuffling off Mara's lap while she puts her clothes to rights, pinning Nathan with a look and incredulously asking "You _are_ going to return the favor, aren't you?" as she talks to Nathan's retreating back. "Hey, jackass. You're not really going to make me take care of myself, are you?"

"Said it yourself," Nathan tells her, reigning in the breathless cadence of his voice, "World's not fair."

Mara is still calling him every last insult in the known world by the time Nathan gets himself outside, leaning against the closed door and staring down at his feet. He takes a deep breath that rattles something loose in his chest, feeling a knot of dread building in his throat when the realization of what he's done crashes into him like a tsunami. He feels faintly ill, slumping against the door while Mara yells at him and rattles her chain from inside the cabin. Nathan's resolve is still shaken, but he clings to the very last reserves of it, trying to remember why he's out here in the first place.

He could stay out here for a while and avoid Mara. He could. Nathan can't feel hunger or exhaustion or pain. All he can feel is Audrey.

Mara calls his name again and the door squeaks on its hinges before slamming shut, Nathan slowly retreating back into the belly of the beast.


End file.
